THE DAY MY FATHER DIED

Dear Isabella,

Not sure how this post will turn out, but here it goes.

My "dad" died on February 18, 2008, so I guess this means that a part of me has died too? Even so, I don't feel anything.

Maybe this is because this part of me died a long time ago; when he left my mom and me 39 years ago? And for these many years maybe I have already mourned his death?

I know, how dramatic, how sentimental. Boo who!

I guess when a parent leaves a child, before the child has the mental capacity to deal with it, it can leave a permanent gap in this child's self; as if something was actually amputated.

And as this child grows older, this gap might lead him or her to believe that they are incomplete; maybe even disfigured? One might (like I did) try to fill this feeling, this "gap" with stuff; lovely shiny stuff. Man I love my stuff.

I have been told that what I have been able to overcome, to accomplish is nothing short of a miracle, but I have never really felt this way. I have always felt a little incomplete; and it is undoubtedly the result of (1) not having a father (or paternal relatives) and (2) having a mother that worked and went to school full time during my formative years.

A side note regarding death: You know I have a good friend whose dad died a few years back and I remember feeling how my friend's extraordinary grief was really a positive reflection of his father's acts on this earth as a caring and loving "dad."

Of course how do you even attempt to convey to a friend that his father's death is a good thing???

In many respects the grief that a "good" parent leaves behind is this parent's final masterpiece. It is the sum of this parent's work that is reborn and forces his or her loved ones to recognize the good parenting acts, the sacrifices, etc.

In some weird way this grief is a commencement of a new beginning. And in this weird, very weird way it is this grief that is to be cherished.

This is of course easy for me to say, as I feel very little if not anything. But then my dad left my life when I was six months old, so I am not sure what I am supposed to feel for the death of this stranger. I guess nothing is okay?

You know what is "strange?" My mom called to tell me that he had died and to let me know that the Bjorklunds needed me to sign some paper work. So I said "no problem," give them my contact info, or have them give me a call so we can get the paperwork figured out. But in classic form, instead of calling me, they sent the paperwork to my mom and suggested that I call them if I had any questions.

If truth be told, I am more of a Brennan than a Bjorklund, but it is what it is.

No matter, I must go on to make a better name for us. Or to give the name that I was given more value; at least to me.

Of course this is one of those "be careful for what you wish for" issues. Even though I believe that not having a dad during my life left me with some challenges, I do not think I would have been better off if my mom and dad stayed together.

The problem for me is that the mind "shields" a child that is in a difficult situation. However, this "shielding" is often hard to undue as an adult even if one realizes that things could have been much worse.

From all of the books that I have read growing up, these type of situations can be summarized "very" simply as follows. A child that grows up receiving continuously nurturing, or constructive “feedback” or molding from two positive parents grows up relatively more assure and confident about taking that next “steps” in life on his or her own. Even if those steps turn out to be incorrect, they are taken with a sense of confidence and purpose.

Second, a child that grows up not receiving this continuously nurturing feedback grows up with a little less certainty about taking these next steps. These steps are taken tentatively; and can be taken defensively no matter if they are the correct steps. This defensive posture can, however, lead to successes that are aimed at escaping or filling a gap in ones self image. One or two psychosis might be present.

And finally, a child that grows up receiving continuously damaging, or negative feedback grows up to be one giant walking psychosis. And in the very worst cases, a child might end up truly psychotic.

As with many issues of popular debate, I believe that very few people are born psychotic; or with psychosis that result in them being very poor parents, spouses, etc. I think that a vast majority of the people that display these types of problems “learned” them from poor or abusive parents, or other abusive situations that took place outside the immediate home.

Sure some people might be born with psychotic tendencies (as discussed in a prior post), but generally speaking these tendencies are learned.

And at the other end of the spectrum, nurturing parents are generally rewarded for their efforts with an ongoing relationship with their children. Nurturing parents don’t usually raise children that have zero contact with them as adults.

No matter how poor a dad my father was, I have little doubt that these beginnings were planted very early on in his life. Abusive parenting normally leads to abusive or neglectful parents. It is this cycle of life that undoubtedly requires great focus to break. It is this cycle of life that I work everyday to break in hopes of never permanently disappointing you Isabella.

Wish me luck. :)